Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Chuck Norris doesn't actually books, they assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Chuck Norris. The 5th is on the FBI's Missing Person's List.

There are two types of people in the world … people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior?He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010



Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Monday, June 21, 2010

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When a Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

If at first you don't succeed,you're not Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protectionwill cause blindess, and possiblyfoot sized brusies on the face.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris
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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Chuck Norris's immune system single-handedly defeated the German army. The rest of the war was just for show

bruce lee killed chuck norris in the way of the dragon. to bad he died shortly after

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.

Go to Google and type in "Find Chuck Norris" Then Click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris can beat Halo 3 on Legendary...with a guitar hero controller!

Chuck Norris's dog picks up its own sh!t because Chuck Norris doesn't take sh!t from anybody

Chuck Norris invented the phrase" put a foot in your mouth"

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

AIDS was specifically designed to kill chuck norris. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris is the real reason Mitt Romney dropped out of the presidential race.

Osama Bin Laden hates the USA because he is envious that Chuck Norris is there

Chuck Norris' sperm is so CRaZy that one time he impregnated a chick and seven months later she gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, Don't worry about it honey, and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, Never question Chuck Norris.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.
The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the fuck out.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the kingshorses and all the kings men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2 ton blocks. He then made his shelter which we now call the Great Pyramids.

Chuck Norris was not alowed to be a part of UFC,NFL,PGA,NBA,NHL or any Olympic event for fear that too many deaths would occure

Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, “I don’t trust doctors.” He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can only inflict it.

Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.

After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

chuck norris

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. 54

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence

Chuck Norris runs Windows seven on his Etch-a-Sketch.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Monday, June 7, 2010

chuck norris facts

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

chuck norris

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats blackholes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division"

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone

Sunday, June 6, 2010

chuck norris facts

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity -
twice.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result

chuck norris facts

here is some more facts

Chuck Norris once killed an african elephant with his mind.

When Chuck goes shark fishing, he uses only his beard to catch, kill, gut and cook the shark.

One day, a police officer pulled over Chuck Norris for speeding. As Chuck Norris gave the cop his license, the image of Chuck Norris stare in the photo imediately compeled the officer to pull out his gun and commit suicide. Chuck Norris is now wanted for 27 traffic violations and 27 traffic violation related murders.

chuck norris once called future shop and asked for the electronic department , they thought he was god andput him on speakerphone asking them questions

Chuck Norris once was sitting next to a muffin. The muffin said, “ Hey, you’re Chuck Norris!” Chuck then replied, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!” He then roundhouse kicked the muffin into orbit. That muffin wasresponsible for blowing up every failed rocket. Did Chuck intend that? Yeah. Chuck hates NASA. And kittens.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

More chuck norris facts

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-Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die

-Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


-Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.


-Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.


-Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all- time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly get out of jail free’ card.

chuck norris facts

I gathered the best chuck norris facts on my opinion i'll gather some more every day


- If you can see Chuck Norris,he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


-There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


-When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.


-China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.