If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When a Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

If at first you don't succeed,you're not Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.